Until we recover completely, our hearts will not open to another person. We just muddle along. We meet nice people, maybe even the "right ones", but let them pass by - because we are not ready to love again. If we do not heal, we will soon become desperate again. Any decision based on desperation is risky. Our emotional life and condition is too delicate for us to afford many risks or injuries.
It is the past that haunts us. We need to get rid of the past that burdens and haunts us, if we are to love wholesomely and joyously again. The process of recovery can be as long as a lifetime, or as short as a couple of months. It not only depends on the depth of the hurt, but also on how we choose to recover.
There are some positive ways to recover from broken relationships:
a. Questioning ourselves and taking responsibility
After separation from a beloved partner, many people just blame the partner. It makes them feel better.
Is the partner just to blame? Without finding the real reasons, or without sharing responsibility for the breakdown, hurts will haunt us for a long time, and we will repeat our mistakes.
Answering these inner questions will help us to move on quicker.
1. What did I do to help create the breakdown?
b. Cut all contact for time being
You have to be calm in the recovery phase. Just as after an operation, we should stay quietly at home for a while, instead of starting new activities straight away.
Many of us find it impossible to accept that the relationship is over. We continue to ring the partner, saying, "We can still be friends". Or, we might insult them on the phone. We just don't seem to be able to let go.
Some people try to know what their partners are thinking and doing after the separation. They ring mutual friends, or even follow the partners.
These actions will not help recovery. Instead, there is a greater chance that the partner will reject us even more, which will completely damage our self-esteem. Some people let themselves be used by the partner, until the partner finds someone new. This is anguishing and humiliating and it damages us deeply.
It takes time and requires a complete calming down of spirit before two ex-lovers can become real friends.
c. Crying out and talking it up
A good cry releases the pain and makes us physically tired, which promotes good rest. If the process is repeated a few times, the pain can disappear at an amazing speed.
Talking to friends about the pain, and repeating our story to friends, is another good way. Because, as we are talking, the pain is releasing. Finally, one day we will be able to say: "Enough is enough". We will get sick of talking about the pain. Anything taken to extremes must eventually hit a wall and turn us back to the middle ground. Emotion is the same.
d. Spiritual belief
We should build up our spiritual beliefs. There is an undeniable power in the universe, which subtly controls our lives.
There is a reason for anything to happen, and for why we meet new people. If we have tried the best we can, we can safely leave the rest to the God. God always makes arrangement at his own time and discretion.
Having faith means believing and accepting, even before something happens.
e. Dating around, but not sleeping around
1. Through meeting different people, a new horizon will open before our eyes. When someone likes us, our self-esteem begins to re-build.
Having sex with different people, right after the break-off, is seriously wounding. It says: all I have to offer is sex. That is bad for your self-esteem. Dating around is restorative. Sleeping around is not.
f. Developing new interests and hobbies
During the process of recovery, we can try to join different clubs, learn the sports we like Developing different interests will:
1. Help us mix with different people
g. Improving our self-presentation and increasing our self-confidence
Our self-esteem is damaged most from relationship breakdowns and ruptures. Many people, particularly women, start to eat a lot. They lose interest in what they dress. Once they stop looking after themselves, they lose self-confidence. It's a vicious cycle.
It is extremely important to look after yourself when you come out of a broken relationship. It's time for you to buy some new clothes; it's time to exercise, or go to the gym. When you look in the mirror, you need to look at someone you love, and want to cherish and nurture. The last thing you want is to feel like a victim. Victims say it is always the other person's fault. And that begins another vicious cycle of recrimination, anger and humiliation that is hard to escape from.
h. Indulge yourself - Buy yourself something nice, luxurious
One of the things we need to know after the breakdown is that someone still loves us. The most important person to love us is: ourselves. So buying ourselves a gift, particularly something we like, is truly loving. It will make us start to enjoy life again. We can stand in front of the mirror with our gift, and say to our self, "Look what someone wonderful bought me! Thanks so much. I love you so much!"
We do not automatically recover from emotional hurt and pain. Recovery is never easy. But the repetition of positive, nurturing actions helps dramatically to ease the pain and move on. Taking action means recovery will be ten times quicker than sitting at home, feeling sorry for ourselves.
Loss of love is the most destructive and most unbearable challenge we can face. It affects our lives and careers, our relationships with children and friends - nothing is left untouched by it.Say "Good Bye" to the Past
2. Could I improve if the relationship were to start with him/her again?
3. Did I really do my best -or did I prejudge, or give up too quickly?
4. What was it that I liked about him/her?
5. What are the differences between us?
6. If I let my mind look coolly at both of us, would I decide that he/she is really the right person for me?
7. Am I driven by ego or emotion too much?
8. Am I just hanging on to spite him/her? Is reverse psychology preventing me letting go?
2. Opposites attract. By going out with the opposite sex, our minds focus less and less on the hurts in the past. As time goes by, the hurts becomes less and less.
3. Even if we meet fantastic people, we are unlikely to become involved immediately. There is a natural protection within us to shield us from being hurt again.
2. Occupy our time (the less time we have to brood on the past the better
3. Physically drain our energy to promote good sleep.