Sometimes the solutions to these two challenges seem to work together to foster a happy, growing relationship, such as when the selected person is the right one, it makes communicating easier.
However, another time the outcomes of the two challenges might seem to work against each other, such as when, even if the chosen partner seems right, communication may be poor, with the result that the relationship is full of ups and downs and eventually the "right" person may turn to be the "wrong person". The process of turning from "right" to "wrong" is disappointing and hurtful.
Although the selection process usually only last a short time, communicating with our partners is a life-long task. In this way, communication is more important and more challenging than selection. Let us look at some of the pitfalls in communication and how to improve your skills and success in communication.
First of all, poor communication begins with poor attitudes. In the past, you might have suffered from some of these attitudes of your partners.
Many people believe that their life journey is fated, which includes their relationships and marriage. They believe that if two people are meant to be together, they will stay together or, if they mean to be apart, the will separate anyhow. This leads to the belief that success, or failure has nothing to do with communication, so it is waste of time to communicate.
Other people think couples only need to communicate when problems occur, with the result that when one person asks to talk, the other one immediately becomes nervous and defensive and gets ready to fight.
Naturally shy and private people are not used to talk about their emotions or problems, neither are they good in praising people. They will try to avoid any sort of communication along these lines by holding back, or keeping deeply inside themselves.
Arrogant people may believe that they are smarter than their partners and have no patience to listen to what their partners have to say. Neither will they tell their partners what they want. Because they don't think the partners are smart enough to understand, they assume it is a waste time, talking to them.
These are the quite different from the previous category; they are people who love to talk. For them communication is both an opportunity to criticize their partner and to make demands.
Such people may expect their partners to be perfect, at least by their standards. They have little tolerance when the partners are not perfect. For them communicating is an opportunity to point finger to partner's mistakes and faults. Sometimes they may use the words "I suggest", but in a way that is not suggesting, but criticizing.
Frequently they have no concern for their partner's pride or emotions. Like treating a child, they can criticize partners anywhere including in public, with a group of friends, or in front of the children.
Apart from being critical, these people are often demanding, too. Their demands in time, emotion, and money should be satisfied, otherwise they will keep talking about it till the partners feel guilty and obligated.
Apart from criticising, another objective of "communicating" for some people is the reforming or changing partners. They expect their partners to be what they want them to be, and will constantly try to change or reform them.
This process may start from small things such as the partner's dress, and move on to their interests, and hobbies, or to the people they associate with and then to their work and social behaviour. A friend wanted his girl friend to look a certain way for himself as well as his circle of friends. He pushed her to have plastic surgery. After the face had been changed, he took her shopping to buy a new set of clothes, including underwear, shirt, mini-skirt, high-heel shoes, etc. He acted as a father figure. When the girl friend felt uncomfortable for the style he created for her, he became upset and angry. To avoid conflict, the girl friend took his instruction for 12 months and left him in the end.
People with a strong ego want to prove they are more powerful and that they are always right. Communicating with them can often turn into a battle. They fight for the last word because; otherwise they are losing the battle. If the partner chooses to walk away or ignore them, they will become angry and hound the partner until their partner responds.
In order to win they may use strong words with the intention of hurting their partner and they will frequently bring up old stories with which to attack their partner.
People with these and other bad attitudes discourage their partners from communicating with them, with predictable results. At the very least they just waste time but they may create arguments, negative feelings towards the relationship and communication break-down, causing both partners to suffer from some of the following consequences.
If we do not tell our partner what we think, or what we want, they will use their own imagination to try and work it out. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, most of time what they imagination will be quite negative. Rather than expecting too much, they will usually expect the worst which makes them sensitive and nervous and prone to over-reacting.
My friend Suzie, a beautiful woman inside and out, lives in a nice house with two clever children and a successful husband. However, on top of that she is the boss in the house and everyone has to listen to her, including her husband. Sometimes when her husband disagrees with her, she becomes upset. She likes to give instructions to the husband. All the instructions are very detailed, which makes him look like a child. He has lost his own individuality and pride. A few times he has tried to reason with her, but in the end he always has to surrender. Suzie's husband loves her very much, but he was frustrated and lonely and desperately looking for solution. He even started ask one of his female colleagues for advice.
One day, Suzie noticed a video tape on her husband's desk. She found it was a movie about a family produced for women. Suzie sensed that her husband had been given the tape by a woman and assumed that he must be having an affair with this other woman. She was very angry. Instead of waiting for him to come home, she went to the husband's office. She confronted him publicly for being unfaithful. Naturally, he was very embarrassed and upset.
It is obvious that Suzie didn't choose the right way, right time and right place to communicate with husband about her doubts. But if her husband had tried to talk to her openly and directly about his concern, frustration and loneliness, the situation might never have arisen. Further, even if he had told her that he had talked with a female colleague to try to find a better way to communicate with Suzie, she might not have been angry enough to go to his office. Maybe she would not have been happy when she heard this, but husband's openness and firmness would have made her think and she might have adjusted her way of treating him.
An embarrassing and hurtful incident that might have permanently endangered their marriage resulted from the negative imaginings because of lack of communication.
Being criticized for everything we try, will make us feel vulnerable, which builds up a sense of insecurity. We won't feel relaxed or comfortable when we are with the partners. We can be wrong any time without being able to predict. So is the blame. This sort of constant crisis makes people feel useless and hopeless. It destroys self-esteem and sense of individuality, with the result that people don't believe they have ability to make other people happy.
Insecurity in people also creates resentment to themselves and towards their partners.
In one case I know, the husband was very capable and successful in his career. He had a six figure income, prestige job and spoke several different languages, and as well as all this he was loving, giving and caring. He wanted his wife to live like princess.
However, being spoiled so much, the wife soon took everything for granted and demanded more. She whinged about everything; his cooking, his clothes, his way of talking, the presents he bought for her, and so on; no matter how much he tried, she never stopped complaining and nagging.
Gradually, the husband lost his self-esteem, feeling more useless and hopeless, until the resulting sense of insecurity affected his job so much that he lost it.
The consequences of lack of communication can range from annoyance to permanent damage to the relationship, psychological injury and even death.
People may suddenly decide to leave their partners without warning.
Others may take up addictive hobbies such as drinking, gambling, dancing, taking drugs, surfing pornography on the internet and so on . . .
Sadly, people have even killed themselves.
We hear these stories every day and it is obvious that many of their decisions were made because people felt insecure and confused by their own sense of inadequacy. They did not have the ability to stand up for what they wanted and were trying to escape from an environment which caused them pain.
Many people do not realize it was them who created unhappy environment to push the partners away. Thus when it happens in a sudden way, they feel shocked and hurt as well.
A friend of mine was very hurt when his girl friend of seven years suddenly walked away after a minor argument. No matter how much he tried to win her back, the girl friend gave no sign of ever returning. He just couldn't understand what made her switch off so completely.
When I talked with hid girl friend, I realized the real reason. For many years, my friend worked hard, thinking as long as he could provide good life style, she would be happy. The life was very much his way. His needs, interests were the first priorities. He never had chance, sitting down with her, asking her how the day was. Sometimes she tried to talk to him about her emotion, he wasn't interested. He said it was nagging.
One day, when he came home and found the girl friend was crying. It was because her mother who lives in overseas was very ill. She wanted to back immediately. He was just promoted. He needed her staying home to support her. His simple solution to her mother's illness was to send some money. He found it was unnecessary to cry, or go back. The girl friend was heart broken. The next day morning after waking up, she suddenly decided: "Enough is enough!" She could no longer survive in that sort of relationship. Her decision was well supported by her friends.
Her sudden departure hurt my friend deeply. He was confused and bewildered.
The way my friend communicated with his girl friend had backfired on him with the loss of the relationship. It was him that was caught in the middle of the fire and got burnt.
Good communication is a two-way traffic between interacting people. Once it becomes one-sided, or ceases for any of the reasons I have given, both people will struggle with the damaging consequences mentioned. Neither partner is happy and neither can relax and enjoy. What should and can be a "win win" situation becomes a "lose lose" situation.
Talk to the One You Love (Part One)
When a single person is looking for a partner with whom to have a relationship, there are two challenges that overshadow all of the other challenges: A) selecting the right person, and then B) learning to communicate with that person.a. Refusal to communicate
b. Being critical and demanding
c. Reforming and changing partners
d. Winning the battle
Results of bad attitudes to communication
a. Negative imagination
b. Insecurity
c. Lack of communication can backfire on the relationship
Talk to Eva