Eva's Tips - metro personal consultants

Are you ready

Fri, 20 May 2011 00:00:00 -1100

悄悄话

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -1100

有很多亚洲女士不愿嫁西方男士。她们嘴上说文化区别太大。 但心里最不舒服的是西方人小气。就是对西方男士有兴趣，很多女士也不免要担心以后婚姻生活中对经济的处理方法。 看来西方人的小气几乎在华人社区中众所周知。

西方人真的很小气吗？

有时在餐馆里， 我们常见到一群西方人饭后分账单。 有时账单分不均匀还要争吵。 很少西方人在餐馆吃饭时会点很多菜。 哪怕带女朋友吃饭， 他们点的菜也很有限。 有时还感觉到有点吃不饱。 付账单时，西方男人掏钱的动作慢得令人难受。 所有这些表现都和华人男士有决然的区别。 看到这些动作，谁都会认为他们小气了。

但当我们仔细看看社会结构， 很多家庭中太太不工作，在家管孩子。 而丈夫每天却工作10多小时，来养家糊口。 不仅丰衣足食，而且还要为全家提供渡假，旅游的机会。 很多刚结婚的西方男士，即刻修改遗嘱。 不管这是第几任太太， 或原来有过多少各孩子， 现任太太一定是他们遗嘱继承人之一。 至今为止， 在我们曾经成功过的案例中，已有很多女士因丈夫过世而得到遗产。 其中包挂现金，房子，养老金， 等等。 这样看来西方人并不小气。

说了半天， 我们还是搞不清楚，西方男人是小气还是大方。

其实要知道他们是小气，或大方， 我们因懂得一些西方文化。 西方文化中有一些为人原则： 独立， 公平。 从小到大， 西方人都被告诫要独立， 不要依赖他人。 为此孩子长大了不会依赖父母。 父母老了，也不会依赖孩子。 大家都认为这样的爱是真诚的。 另外，西方人做人，做事相信公平。 这两种原则也是他们在恋爱中的主导思想。

比如他们看不起一个有工作能力的人无故不工作，而只想靠他人来养。 他们还认为一个人想买什么，过什么样的生活都应该有独立解决的能力。 他人给的都是礼物，而不能依赖。

在平时与女朋友交往时， 他们也希望能公平对待。 比如一个年薪超过10万的女士外出交往时从来一毛不拔， 她就会被认为对人不公平。 而一个经济不宽裕的学生就大可被原谅。所谓的公平并不是平均。 在 很多西方人的脑中，价钱并不重要。 他们衡量是否公平的标准并不在于钱的多少。这就是他们为什么不喜欢大手大脚地花钱去讨好女朋友。 为此很多女士只要稍稍表示一下，比如买一杯酒，一盒巧克力都会是西方男人感动。

同时对西方人来说独立和公平与男人想照顾女人的 至尊没有矛盾。 恋爱中，他们还是乐意去买单。 女朋友太独立，太大方常会伤害他们的自尊。 改遗嘱，照顾太太也是西方男人认为应付的责任。 在他们眼中，孩子长大了，可以独立，有能力创造。 而太太在没有丈夫的情况下需要有保障。 为此有时他们会把所有的遗产都留给太太。

了解一个文化，一族人不能只看表面。 很多与西方人接触比较多的女士从来不会因为他们不大方而不开心。 这是因为她们明白西方人的思维和对钱和价值的理解和东方人有很大不同。 但不管多不同， 她们最终还是成为西方文化的受益人。

天时、地理、人和

中国人常说：天时、地理、人和是成功的三大要素。假定回顾自己所取得的成绩，观察一下周围朋友的成功，我们很难否认这三大因素所起的作用。有人也会把这些因素的结合称为运气。其实这种运气的产生是靠我们对时间、机遇的把握，并根据所在之地的社会状况、风土人情来调整思维和做法。
事业、生意需要这三个因素，恋爱、婚姻同样也摆脱不了这三大因素的影响。很多朋友常把婚姻成功与生活中其他领域的成功分开，其实成功的原理是一样的恋爱、婚姻中的缘份与事业的成功一样不会从天而降。

在恋爱关系中掌握天时、地理、人和三大要素是意味着我们需要在合适的时间见到合适的人，按照所在地的环境、风情来了解和判断合适的人，并按照本地的风土人情调整自己，与一个有缘的人相处，如果能掌握好这种成功原则，不仅成功率高，而且恋爱的进展过程会顺利、开心。
在以下一些文章中，我想介绍一下天时、地理、人和在恋爱中的表现形式及主动掌握其规律的方法。

1、在合适的时间遇到合适的人

2. 避免爱上刚失恋的人

3. 谨慎对待正在爬事业阶梯的人

4. 充分了解社会状况再做判断

5. 充分了解文化习俗

6. 充分了解交往者成长背景。。。。。。

更多的理解和案例，请等待ebook

是认真、保守，还是封建狭窄？

大部分来自亚洲的朋友在参加我们的服务时都严肃地表明：我很保守，我是认真地来找对象的。

除了个人决心外，现代婚姻往往受到保守或亚洲古老文化的束缚，在其影响下，亚洲人对婚姻一直持保守态度，表现为：选择时保守，交往时保守，决定结婚时保守，离婚时更保守。虽然保守使人们缓慢地去接受他人，却能免于因冲动而犯错误，这样的保守没有坏处.

在理解的和赞同保守的同时，我又发现很多保守观念却是一种思维上的封建和狭窄，阻碍了人们对事物的正确理解和判断，错失了良好姻缘，或遭利用和伤害。因此封建与狭窄又成了寻找伴侣的障碍。
要保持传统保守，又不因封建狭窄错失机缘，我们首先要理解这两者间区别。。。。。。。。。

更多的理解和案例，请等待ebook 的发表

“我爱你”

单身男、女都渴望有人爱、有被爱的机会，处在恋爱中的伴侣更希望听到“我爱你”的美语，听不到就会感到失落或不安全。刚相见的情侣有时能很快地听到这样的话，但时间长了未必能再体会到被爱的甜蜜，人们时常还会困惑地质问：什么是爱。
“我爱你”这三个字十分简单，但人们对其理解却各有不同，于是在表达或述说时的含义也可能不同。

比如一位男士会因为女友出众的外貌而激动、想入非非，他可能把这种想入非非当成是“爱”，于是他会深情地对女友说“我爱你”。

还比如，一位女性听到男友的甜言蜜语后浑身充满暖流，似乎身临其境地处在神话爱情小说中，于是她会含情默默地告诉男友“我爱你”。

双比如，有些人把“我爱你”这三个字看成是承诺、是责任，不是感情上的表达，他/她们知道伴侣想听这话，但就是守口如瓶，不让这三个字轻而易举地从口中吐出。

还有一些人认为：“我爱你”是一种虚伪的表达，实际行动表现的爱才是真正的爱，他/她们不相信“我爱你”这样的词句。

以上的这些例子说明人们对爱的理解不同，所表达的爱的范围和深浅也不一样，这就是为什么“我爱你”这三个字在恋爱中会使人陶醉，使人困惑，使人被误导。。。。。

更多的理解和案例，请等待ebook 的发表。。。。。

心态与缘分

大部分人都会相信恋爱中的缘分，有人甚至把所有的希望，所有的成功与失败都归结为缘分，盲目地依赖缘分的到来。这种心理的主要原因是他们看到一种恋爱现象，即看上去很相配的人最终无法相伴随，而被感觉很不相配的人却能喜结良缘，因此认为是缘分所致，上天的安排，硬求没有用，该得到的推也推不掉。

其实我也同意与人相处讲缘分，不光是恋爱，就是普通朋友也与缘有关，没有缘就话不投机半句多了，不可能再有更多的交往。但我不认为缘分是天命，她不是不可掌握和控制的。与任何其他事物一样，缘分也有规律可循，这与文化、种族、年龄、性别或出生年月都没关系，而与人性、性格、心态、生活经历、需求等有着不可分隔的联系。懂得、理解这些规律，并顺着规律去谈恋爱或与人交往，我们就容易找到缘分。。。。。。。。

更多的理解和案例，请等待ebook 的发表。。。。。

我们的性格和我们的未来

事情发生时，许多人认为一切是命运。比如有人成功时，人们说则是命运好。有人失败时，人们说命中注定。有人事业飞煌腾达，人们说他有官运。有人婚姻成功，情感幸福，人们说他有桃花运。总之生活中的全部都属于天命。

但是如果仔细地研究人生，我们不难发现很多实事的发生于我们的性格与智慧有着直接的关系。在性格与智慧中，性格又起了很多决定性的作用。性格决定人们心态。性格决定人们看问题的方法，性格决定人们的判断力，性格决定处事的能力和结果。也就是说命运在决定人们的命运。

例如我们可以以性格来归纳人的命运。许多老板和成功的商人常有着大胆，果断的性格。他们的逻辑思维清晰，开拓。许多律师，医生，工程师，艺术家，作家常有着细心，谨慎的性格。他们好分析，好思考。他们不喜欢轻易作决定。在生活中，那些人缘好，被人喜欢的人常在恋爱中顺利，障碍少。他们常找到很好的伴侣。他们的婚姻生活常幸福安宁。
那些专制，小憩，难以宽容他人的人常令人讨厌。在恋爱关系中，他们很难找到幸福。因为他们不会珍惜好人，不会珍惜好机会。以上与性格有关的例子有很多。这些例子都证明我们的未来并不是由天命决定。如果性格决定未来，我们就有可能改变现状，争取好的未来。。。。。。。。

更多的理解和案例，请等待ebook 的发表。。。。。

信任与被信任

信任与被信任一直是恋爱关系中的重要因素。没有相互信任，人们神情紧张，精神疲劳。而有了相互信任，男、女双方轻松愉快，从而毫无保留地展示自己的长处和弱点。相互信任还不仅减少猜疑、增加容忍，更使双方对关系的长远发展充满信心。
相信任何进入恋爱关系的人都希望被他人信任，或能够去相信别人，可信任不是期望就能获得的。信任是需要用我们在交往过程的一言一行慢慢培养和积累的。这种培养不仅需要我们本来就具备的一些人和道德准则，更需要我们对“信任”重要性有所认识，从而有意识地朝着能取得信任的方向努力。
要使别人相信，我们首先应该做到的是：

讲真话

讲真话是建立信任的基础，也是恋爱能顺利发展的重要条件。讲真话不仅能赢得信任，而且也可以鼓励、影响与我们交往的人，让他们也畅开胸膛讲真话。
虽然大部分朋友认同讲真话的作用，可在一些恋爱关系中的，很多人多多少少地喜欢讲点假话。

谁都不用猜疑，最后即使恋爱关系不成功，有透明度的恋爱对人的打击远远低过于那些总需要去猜疑的关系。
当然讲真话还是需要注意一些必要的策略。首先应该注意的是表达方法、语气、语调和场所。只有在适当的场所和适当的时间去表达一些心里的想法，才能取得适当的效果。为此，语言沟通是一种艺术。。。。。

更多的理解和案例，请等待ebook 的发表。。。。。

Whispering Corner

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -1100

---------------------------------------------------------------

To be hurt once is reasonable, but to be hurt repeatedly by same kind of people is silly, it means we didn’t learn.

Kevin has divorced twice. In each marriage he was a devoted husband, looking after his wife and children. He thought if he did everything, his wife would love him, but both wives left him for other men.

When telling his story, I could see the tears were running in Kevin’s eyes. He vowed to find a kind woman. He is sick of being a “nice guy”. However the women he was interested had everything, but kindness. They were funky, sexy with high self-esteem, but little care about others. In order to win their heart, Kevin kept being a “nice guy” by taking them out to nice restaurants, buying expensive gifts, saying “yes” to all their demands, etc. Like what happened before, Kevin ended up with an empty bank account, and a broken heart. He felt bitter and drained. He blamed those women for not being fair to him.

At the same time, Kevin hasn’t been fair to the women who were kind, honest and tried to treat him nicely. He couldn’t be excited when a woman tried to be honest, sharing her life story and emotion with him. He felt pushed when a woman started showing affection. He unintentionally hurt a few ladies. With these women, he was actually a “bad boy”.

Kevin could find good women. But unfortunately he kept choosing “bad girls”. He was sucked in by “bad girl’s” looks, selfishness, and high self-esteem. He was driven by reverse psychology: the harder to get, the better.

What happened to Kevin has happened to many others. Human beings do not find it easy to appreciate good things, the things we can get easily, or the people who treat us too nicely. This human nature not only blocks our judgment, it also confuses us away from what we really want.

In order not to suffer again and again like Kevin, we need to recognize this human nature and constantly remind ourselves: The right person doesn’t have to be “hard to get”.

First of all, we should learn to appreciate honest and open people. We also should welcome with words and action those who show genuine interest, especially those who are making real efforts. Although honesty may be regarded as stupid, or making efforts may seem like pushing, it doesn’t mean this is not the right one. Instead of making a quick judgment, our focus should be on finding common ground, including interests, values, personality, communication wave-lengths, etc. These qualities are important, but take time to find. The more time we take, the easier we appreciate kind and giving people. I have strong doubt about “love at first sight”. If a successful relationship could be detected at the first meeting, there wouldn’t be so many separations or divorces. Many people marry the person they were not interested in from the beginning.

To avoid making the same mistakes as Kevin, we also need to know how to recognize those who are trying to use us.

Usually strong physical attraction to partners, smooth talking and verbal promises by partners excite us instantly. These are major reasons for us to fall in love. Once falling in love, we surrender. We surrender our values, principles, pride, and needs. We even surrender to bullying and abuse. Basically, we are too vulnerable to protect ourselves.

Would good looks last very long? I don’t think so. Even the most beautiful person would have ugly moment when they are sick or in a bad mood. Do promises and smooth talking become reality? Probably not, too. As time goes by the level of passion reduces, promises and smooth talking disappear. We may fall in love for nothing. Our happiness needs more substance. While enjoying seeing good looking people, or when receiving compliments, remember these tips:

Enjoy good looks and praise as if enjoying a nice painting. It is not real yet.
Be fun, diplomatic, but not intimate too quickly.
Watch the numbers of phone calls you make – too many calls ruin excitement.
Take time to respond in discussions about emotion and commitment.
Give smart and slow, instead of giving quick and hard, so that you won’t be taken for granted.
Don’t give away your own needs, interests and values in order to please others.
Say “No” to unreasonable demands.

Following these tips, I don’t think there is much chance to be used and hurt, because all the tips bring one message: be cool, be patient.

Talking about chemistry, people naturally think about physical attraction. Talking about physical attraction, people naturally think about appearance.

‘It won’t work if there is no chemistry’ is what most single people would say. With this logic, most people believe good looking men and women shouldn’t have trouble in dating. Sometimes good looking people believe these themselves, too.

I have to say, good looking does help. Not just in relationship, a good looking person has more attention in shop, or other public places. He/she is often treated with extra warmth.

However is good looking so essential in relationship? Would good looking people be easier in dating? How about the ordinary looking people? Do they have trouble to find good partners?

Let’s take a look in our society. Many good looking men and women are struggling to find the right person, while many ordinary looking people walk along the street with their gorgeous partners.

I always remember two people. One was a beautiful woman. Not only pretty, she was extremely feminine. 90% men loved to meet her after seeing her photo. Some men even said “(she) is too good to be true. “. But after 10 years, countless dates, she is still single. The other one was a young guy. He was short, ordinary looking. But ever since he started dating, he was never short of girl friends. Most of his girl friends were pretty. Finally he is getting married with a lovely young lady who not just has pretty face, but beautiful personality, too.

The stories of these two people remind us a truth: Looks is not everything. A person’s appearance is only a door, which only takes 5 minutes to enter. But what attract people more is what they can find after entering to the door, including personality, intelligence, interests, life experience and most of all self-esteem. A friend used to say: finding the right person is more inside job than outside. These qualities keep them to stay longer than 5 minutes, or even longer than years. Whoever has the ability to display one or two or three of good qualities, he/she is beautiful, even physically he/she is not so good looking. Or whoever fails to deliver good quality, his/her beauty doesn’t shine.

So the challenge for single people is not the appearance, but their inner quality, which takes time and efforts to build up. For instance, if someone has serious personality which makes hard for other people to approach them, he/she should build up more sense of humor and smile on the face. It will immediately make her/him attractive. Or if someone’s life is bit boring, not much to communicate with, he/she should develop more interest, or expend reading, or become more curious.

Dealing with people, confidence is always the most important thing. In my previous story, the short guy is not handsome. But he had confidence some good looking men don’t. He never thought being short is a problem. Because being confident, he was witty, too. He could make people laugh. Pretty ladies felt insecure in front of him.

Building confidence takes time. But it is not difficult. Attitude can help. With positive attitude, people can handle rejection easily. Handling rejection positively, people can move on quickly. Moving on quickly, people suffer less hurt. Suffering less hurt, people will have more confidence to themselves. You know what? The more confidence you have, more people will like you. The value of confidence is 100 times more than the value of good appearance.

Many years ago, I watched Channel 9’s Today program. A female psychologist was talking about how to deal with men. She said: men are easy if women can massage their ego. I also remember a book. There was a similar quote: A man’s heart goes through his ego. If the ego is satisfied, the heart falls in or if the ego is challenged, the heart falls out.

What is a man’s ego? Why is it so important for them?

In traditional society, a man was the bread winner for the family, while a woman’s role was cooking and looking after children and husband. The ego for a man was to be able to supply and everyone in the family listen to him and serve him. Today this tradition hasn’t completely disappeared from some countries, or in some men’s mind.

However modern society has changed women’s role. Women have equal opportunity to be educated, work and successful. Not just being financially independent, women become smarter, mentally and intellectually more independent. To many men, modern women are more attractive, more interesting. Most men do not expect wives to serve them, or listen to them. This role change has also changed men’s ego.

Too many modern men, their ego is to be able to make their women happy, or they are wanted.

I used to write article about women’s motherly nature which displays in the way they treat men in relationship. Similarly men also have fatherly nature, which has shown many ways they treat women. To be more exactly that is part of their ego.

As father figure, men like to provide support, guidance, protect to women.

For instance, many men open doors for women. Apart from being polite, that is very manly thing to do. Waling in the street with women, men naturally choose to walk the side close the street. This is their way to protect women.

Men will feel thrilled when they are asked by women for help or advice. Not only can he shows off their knowledge, the most important thing for them is they are wanted.

Women love sweet talks, and men love compliments. Any compliments from women will massage men’s ego, including the dress he wears, the restaurant he chooses, the movie he chooses, the words he says, the gifts he buys, the achievements he has done, etc. Like children, the more compliments they have received, the more actions, more services men love to provide. Interestingly the more service men has provided, the deeper their emotion gets in with the women. Isn’t it silly for women not to ask for help?

However many women do not understand the nature of men’s ego. They are critical, picky, or too independent, which greatly challenges men’s ego and makes them feel they are not good enough.

For instance, some women like to change men from clothes to hobby to career. If this change carries on persistently, men will lose confidence to keep the relationship.

Some women like to talk about other men in front of their boyfriends, or husbands. The other men they talk about, including ex boyfriends, husband, or someone who has shown interest. Most men will feel uncomfortable to listen; even they pretend to be cool. Inside they are asking: is she comparing me with others? Am I good enough for her?

Some women wouldn’t give compliments. They like to keep men on their toe. That will make men nerves, uncertain and vulnerable.

Once a man’s ego is challenged, even he is in love; he will doubt his ability to make this woman happy. He doesn’t think woman needs him. He will start withdrawing his emotion, or even looking elsewhere till he has found someone who is willing to massage his ego.

Outline of Eva's other articles:

“Bitches” and “ Bastards”

Men like bitches and women like bastards. Why? Because they are cool, they are confident, they are playful, and they are often sensual. The most important thing of all is they are not afraid of rejection.

How to deal with them if you are attracted to one?

Be yourself
Focus on your own needs
Don’t be afraid of losing him/her, as there are plenty more in life
Say “no” to unreasonable demands
Money doesn’t buy love
Keep your independence, own interests and life
Open your mind and eyes open to other alternatives
Keep a mystery of your emotion life and life plan
Do not be isolated from your own network of friends
Know where and when to show stop sign

More will be in ebook...........

Common Sense And Chemistry

To find the right person successfully, people need common sense. It is common sense that makes us accepting, or to be accepted. It is common sense that makes us happy and content.

Here is some common sense you need:

Be realistic. Don’t demand something you can’t supply
Be proud of yourself, but not to be arrogant
Don’t be too calculating
To give before receiving
Understand your needs and find the person who can satisfy those needs
No one is perfect…not even you!

More will be in ebook......

Say Goodbye To Your Past

The hurt and pain from a broken love relationship is far greater than the hurt of losing a career opportunity, relationship with friends, or even losing money. People use different ways to relief the hurt by: alcohol, drug, addiction, playing with another person’s emotion, or even suicide. If the way is negative, the result will be negative. If the way is positive, it will be easier to love again.

Here are some positive ways:

Have courage to accept failure if all the efforts have been made
Try not to find out why and how in the first 3 months of break-up
Have a good cry
Develop new interests
Build up spirituality

More will be in ebook......

Talk To The One You Love

Once a man and a woman decide to make a commitment to each other, they are in the same boat. It is the relationship of winning together, or losing together. Direct, honest and clear communication brings final result. Good attitudes bring good communication and good result. Bad attitudes bring bad communication and bad result.

Bad attitudes include:

Win the battle
Change people
Force the demand
Ignore other person’s needs

Good attitudes include:

Appreciate the one we have
Accept a person as a package deal
Encourage partner to be herself/himself
Respect partner’s independence and space.

Good methods:

Do not hide your thoughts and emotion
Praising more than criticizing
Agree with disagreement
Show genuine interest in partner’s interest
Good sense of humor

More will be in ebook.....

What Men Want?

Naturally men are commitment shy.

They won’t make a commitment if a woman can’t:

Physically attract them
Make them relaxed and laugh
Make them feel good
Talk to them, or look after them
Make them feel proud to be the mother of their children
Give them enough freedom and space
Keep the balance of giving and taking

More will be in ebook.....

What Women Want?

Women are driven by emotion. If the emotional needs are not satisfied, women will be moody, unhappy.

Here are some things that are important for women:

Attention
Praise and promise
Being romantic, including gifts and flowers, romantic dinner, e tc.
Talking and listening to their love
Care and affection
Smart men to back them up
Commitment

More will be in ebook......

Extra-Marital Affair

Involvement with another married person or people in a committed relationship is like a time-bomb. It explodes anytime and anywhere. Three parties are in the game. But no one will win!

1st party: innocently being hurt
2nd party: casual fun becomes emotional responsible to the other two people, plus children if there is any. Neither marriage, nor the affair can be held easily, plus guilty conscious remains forever
3rd party: There is lot of disappointments, little hope. The person he/she loves can never be hers/his

If a game has no winner, it sure is a bad game.