On the streets of Sydney it is a common sight to see an Australian or European man walking hand in hand with an Asian girl. We often hear stories about inter-cultural relationships and marriages - some are successful and some are not. Even the results can be similar by the same race, people still wonder if cultural differences will impact on the success or failure of a relationship. It is difficult to say in any individual relationship. However as a senior consultant in the matchmaking relationship profession for many years I have helped hundreds of people from various cultures find partners. Over time I have observed various factors - positive aspects as well as communication difficulties caused by different thinking which impact on the success of the relationship.
Quite often opposites attract. Man and women are different physically and mentally and therefore are attracted to each other. In relationships different personalities work out better than similar or same personalities. When people ask me why Asian girls like to go out with western men and western men with Asian girls I say 'because they are different.' They look different, eat different food, have seen different things, speak with different accents and have been influenced by different cultures. These differences create a great curiosity on both sides.
Western men are curious to know why Asian ladies like them. Physical attraction, I believe, is the number one reason. The blonde hair and blue eyes amaze Asian ladies. Green or blue eyes bring depth and mystery. The strongly built figure of the western man with suit and tie make them look like movie stars. Beyond the physical attraction we are anxious to know more about their cultures and daily lives. For example we wonder what is Australian culture? Why do they enjoy rock 'n' roll more than classical music? Whether they still read Shakespeare? What is their relationship with family and relatives - close or isolated? Why are they more independent and free? What freedom do they really enjoy? What is their daily diet?
We also like their openness to differences. This makes us feel relaxed and comfortable, especially if we do not speak perfect English, do not share the same interests or do not eat their food very often. We like their frankness in communication, which makes the relationship more transparent. We appreciate their manners such as opening the door for us, using the words 'could I .....', 'would you like .....', when they take us out on a date. The romantic way western men express feelings of love are in our dreams. We do not expect to be told all the time that they love us, but a bunch of flowers delivered to the office, a small present elegantly wrapped to show their appreciation for knowing us, a nice card with some loving thoughts, or a nice candlelit dinner for two makes us feel like a princess.
People also wonder why western men would like to date Asian ladies. The long black hair - which not only looks sexy but also is perfect for matching any dress - has attracted many, many western men. Asian ladies are world renowned for slim figures and youthful looks. An Asian lady of 40 may still have the face of a 30-year-old and the body of an 18-year-old. Compared to western culture the shyness and sometimes mysterious smiles from an Asian lady are subtle and different. Their gentle and caring nature makes their man feel respected and worthwhile. Asian ladies live by traditional morals and this has a stabilizing effect on a relationship, which is a critical issue given the temptations of modern society.
Asian cultures are many thousands of years old. A history of thousands of years amazes western people. They would like to know how the Great Wall was built and how China has developed today. To business minded people there is one more curiosity; is there any business opportunity in Asia I can have through meeting a beautiful Asian lady...
As we said before opposites attract. However in nature opposites often cause conflicts and misunderstandings. Relationships between western men and Asian girls are becoming more and more popular. In order to achieve long term success and a real harmonious enjoyable relationship that is beyond merely physical attraction we need to understand various things. We must realize that different cultures, different upbringings make us think differently, respond to messages differently and react to certain situations differently. This sometimes brings confusion or misunderstanding to people from different cultures.
Marriage
Asian ladies often ask me if western men really want to get married or if they are like playboys only looking for fun. When an Australian man takes an Asian lady out he often gets the same question. Sometimes they wonder why Asian ladies are so desperate for marriage.
However with a little more information they would realize that Asian girls are not desperate for marriage. In Asian culture when a man and woman form a relationship the ultimate goal is to get married and have children. This is the only result that traditional Asian society can expect or accept. If the couple does not commit to marriage but merely chooses to live together it becomes the subject of neighborhood gossip. Parents and even workmates start to create pressure. The local community starts to criticize. The couple will be discriminated against because living together is a shameful relationship. However once an Asian girl lives in Australia for a while she begins to realize that in different cultures there are different concepts of relationships. Even so it takes time to change some fundamental cultural concepts without giving enough time.
History has created misunderstandings also. In the past many Asian cultures were isolated from the rest of the world. For example in China during the Cultural Revolution of the 1960's Chinese people were not allowed to talk to foreigners. Books and movies concerning western culture were destroyed. Most Chinese had no idea of what the outside world was like. Even today most ideas about western culture and life are obtained by Asian people from western books and movies. As we know many authors of novels and directors of films try to highlight the physical part of a relationship to enhance the commercial value of their work. In many of these stories a man and woman can have easily have sex and walk away the next day. Some Asian ladies believe that this happens in day-to-day life in western society. Most of these ladies do not have the opportunity to learn that in real life many western men have similar emotions, philosophy and morals to themselves.
That is why many Asian girls are vulnerable when they are attracted to a western man. Often they have no relative or close friend nearby. They have little knowledge of the culture and, perhaps, speak limited English. They need reassurance from the man that he is genuine and that is why they ask if the man intends to get married.
The smartest response by the man to this question is not to get nervous or scared, but to explain his ultimate goal and try to explain something about western culture.
On the other hand Asian girls need to understand something of western culture and social situations so that they will not put pressure on someone at an early stage in a relationship.
In western culture man and women have many relationship options. A man and woman could go out for years and years and never get married. De facto couples have the same legal rights and responsibilities as married couples. Australian society respects individuals decisions and will not create pressure or discriminate if people do not marry.
Experiences with the Australian legal system can be a factor also in determining a man's attitude to marriage. In Australia when a couple divorce the law decides on how financial assets are split and on issues such as custody of children. The court case can become a painful battle and many people suffer financially and emotionally. The costly, complicated process can damage people for life. No matter what the level of suffering it takes a long time to recover from a divorce and makes people put up barriers and become cautious about becoming married again.
All these reasons (and perhaps more) make western men hesitate or feel scared when pushed to discuss marriage or future arrangements before they know their partner very well. It does not mean that they reject the idea of marriage. I have noticed that one of the reasons that western men are attracted to Asian girls is because of the conservative nature of Asian girls in terms of relationships and marriage. This conservatism helps long term harmony. Often western men are looking for something permanent - they are looking for long lasting love. They need to feel comfortable, they need to trust, and they need to know the risk of making a mistake has been reduced as much as possible.
Through my job I have seen and helped many marriages formed by Asian girls and western men. Most of them are very successful. All the successful stories proved that the ultimate goals by either Asian girls or western men are very similar----they need love and they need to be loved. Once we have some knowledge about the cultures or concept communication will never be too difficult.
Next article for this column will be another concept confusion for Asian ladies and western men ---- Sex
Try not to miss it and sent me your comments.