One day I was watching a programme on television. There was an interview with a female psychologist, who specialized in relationships. When asked how to understand men, she smiled and said: "very simple. Massage their ego".
Ego is very important for a man in a relationship. A man's heart goes through his ego. No matter how much a man loves his woman, if she challenges his ego, he will pull his heart out soon or later. Or if she satisfied his ego, his heart follows her wherever she goes.
What is a man's ego?
Men are more competitive in nature than women. Physically they like to be tougher and stronger, mentally they like to win. That is why playing sports is almost compulsory for a man. That is also why men have more desire to be successful or promoted in their career.
In a relationship a man's ego requires that he feels good in the following aspects:
a. He is capable of providing a good life style.
b. He can make his woman happy.
c. He is great in his woman's eyes.
d. He is allowed to have his own interests and space.
e. He can sexually satisfy his woman.
To satisfy the ego, men need:
a. To be recognized and praised by their women
By nature, most men would like to look after their women. They are happy to support them, happy to buy gifts and presents for them, to take them out for dinner, movies, to fix their cars, houses, being handymen. However by doing so, they need to know the woman appreciate and recognize their efforts.
Usually at initial stage of a relationship, a woman will be grateful when the boyfriend is trying to please her and look after her. The appreciation will show through both her action and words. However as they are getting closer, she starts taking things for granted. She starts to believe it is meant to be. All boyfriends should look after their women. Not only stopping short of complimenting him, she starts complaining when the boy friend forgets to do something, or hasn't done as much as before.
That complaint not only discourages the boyfriend, but also challenges his ego. It makes him feel insecure. He starts losing confidence, and thinks that he may not be able to make his girlfriend happy. He will be even more worried about his own future happiness. By thinking these things, his heart starts drifting away, while he might still keep doing what he has done to his girlfriend. At this point, if there is an argument, or minor disagreement, he will make a quick decision and leave the relationship. Many women feel so confused by their boyfriends' sudden switch-off and sudden departure. They may never know the real reason.
To understand the ego, a woman shall learn to appreciate when the boy friend is trying to please her, no matter at what stage of the relationship.
Tina was a student before she married Tim. They loved each other dearly. After marriage, Tina bought a retail business and it became very successful. Apart from working in the bank, Tim spent lot of time helping Tina to establish the business. After the business became successful, many friends admired Tina and praised her ability. But Tina told everyone how Tim helped her to negotiate the deal, to establish the business, to manage the business properly. Her conclusion about their success was: Tim was the key. She was just operating. (What a woman!) What Tina said could be the truth. But instead of feeling great herself, she put the credit on Tim.
Giving credit is different from flattering. Giving credit is to tell the boyfriend, or his friends, the positive truth, including the things he has done for you, the clothes he has chosen, the job, or any achievement in his career, the interests he has, etc. The praise, appreciation from the girl friend can be about small issues. However it lifts up the boyfriend. The most wonderful thing is that it builds up his confidence that he is able to make his woman happy. The confidence and satisfaction will turn a man's heart into a special feeling, which is called: love
b. To be respected
One of the requirements of a man's ego is to be respected by his woman, including his ability at work, his choice of clothing, his interests, his choice of friends, etc. Disagreement is acceptable, but constant criticism about these issues will challenge his confidence and ego.
I remember Tracey was so sad when Greg suddenly left her. She could not understand why he did so while he constantly told her that he loved her.
Greg told me that he could never do anything right by Tracey's standard. When driving their car, Tracey would criticize him for not going fast enough, or not slow enough. When he told her how the partners' argued, she would blame him for not being smart enough. When he bought some new clothes and showed them to her, he could guarantee that Tracey would say: They look stupid on you. Next time I'll go with you to choose proper clothes.
As time goes by, Greg became nervous and insecure. Gradually he had built up doubts about himself. He found he was not capable enough. So one day when Tracey started criticizing him again about one of his friends, he suddenly decided: enough is enough. From the heart, he still loved Tracey, but he knew it would be too difficult to live with her. Because he couldn't make her happy.
One of the other common mistakes women make is to put their boyfriends down, or to complain about their boyfriends in front of their families and friends.
Many men are not good at talking about their emotions. But they like boasting to their mates about how much they can satisfy their women. They also like to show off about how much their girlfriends are attached to them. Apart from politics, sports, business, this is one of the popular subjects men talk about to other men. It makes them feel good.
But just imagine if, in front of his friends and family, the girlfriend keeps complaining about the boy friend, laughing at him about his statements, correcting him on the mistakes he made. This is the biggest embarrassment for a man. It is like slamming him in the face because he lies to the friends.
It is very important for a man's ego that his girlfriend stays close to him in public and respects him in front of his family and friends. This is the best credit he can receive.
c. To be told that they are satisfying their women sexually
Many women still believe men love sex more than women. Sometimes they even believe sex is a gift from a woman to a man. Therefore when a woman is not happy with the boyfriend, or husband, the first punishment is to refuse having sex with him.
However many women don't know that one of the biggest egos a man can have is to be able to satisfy his woman in bed.
A woman's enjoyment and satisfaction in bed is a big turn-on for a male's ego, so as to stimulate his sex drive.
It is hard to turn a man on when he sees that his girlfriend, or wife is lacking in sexual interests, or could not reach orgasm. He will feel extremely insecure if his girlfriend or wife complains after having sex. He will feel guilty if he can't meet the demand of his girl friend or wife.
It is most desirable for a man to hear from his woman that he is the best in bed.
It is wise for a woman to express her sexual enjoyment either with words, or action. It is wiser if a woman can tell her boy friend, or husband openly about her sexual needs. Therefore the man will get the opportunity to meet those needs, and feel great inside.
A man's efforts to meet the sexual needs of his woman not only brings enjoyment, but also will be interpreted as love by the woman. The more a woman feels this love, the more she will enjoy sex with her boyfriend, or husband. So it is really a win situation.
