I was growing up from a traditional Chinese family. Writing something like "sex" is quite challenging. In some culture, sex is something people do-but don't talk. Talking about it is regarded as taboo. I recall writing an article last year about de-facto relationship. Even it wasn't about sex, the newspaper, which publishes my articles regularly, thought it was unhealthy. So they refused to publish.
Not many people would like to talk about this subject openly. But most would agree: "sex" plays inevitable role in the success or failure of a relationship. Whether it can work for or against us relies on our understanding of the real meaning to have sex.
People from some cultural backgrounds believe "sex" is rather more the enjoyment for men than for women. So they conclude that sex is a means of giving men pleasure. Once giving, women shall expect something in return. Even in today's modern western society, many people also subconsciously agree with that philosophy. Quite often we can see in our lives:
* Many women are cautious when the relationship goes into intimacy. A woman will not "give' if she is not sure whether the man is genuine.
* When a woman initiates sexual activity, there will be no accusation of sexual harassment. Because this woman is "giving". It doesn't work the same while the situation is reversed.
* After having "sex", a woman is even more vulnerable. "Sex" has been given, but she is not sure what the partner shall be given back in return.
* A woman will be annoyed if her partner falls in sleep right after the sex. "He has had enjoyment, so my existence finished today." she may think.
* If a man doesn't behave properly- like taking the lady to the nice place, or saying the right thing- his girlfriend will be reluctant to give him sex.
* After a couple has argued, or when the woman is upset, the first "punishment" to the boyfriend, or husband is refusing to give sex.
And so on.
Such maxims not only apply to women. To a certain extent, many men also think this way. Sometimes they strive to be afforded sex with the women they fancy, by giving nice gifts, paying compliments, taking them to nice restaurants. In turn, they can often be easily manipulated by women who" play hard to give"
Is sex a present or a reward from a woman to a man?
There will be no simple answer to this question. This is the attitude grounded in our reason to have sex, our up bringing, traditions, or personal views.
If only having sex with different women without concerning his partner's emotional motivates a man needs. He will indulge in sex merely for personal enjoyment. Once he obtains satisfaction, or feels he has 'conquered', he will quickly lose interest in that woman and move on. Such men are "takers".
If a woman uses sex as a tool to manipulate men in order to receive money, gifts, trust, or some other rewards, then she is trading sex for personal gain.
There is fundamental difference between emotionless sex and act of making love.
Sex on its own without any substance can be animal instinct, which satisfies physical urge. But mechanical sex can be boring, distasteful.
I read some stories about men and women who had one-night stand. It might have felt all right on the night, or when they decided in the heart of the moment to indulge. But on the morning after, there few who felt they'd enjoyed what they did. Many felt disgusted. Often they wished not to see that partner ever again.
Many couples also had poor experience when they had sex with new partners. This is because they had physical urge, but too little true connection in mental, emotional, or spiritual sense. Quite often one, or the other party could not perform as well as they should.
However when sex becomes a language through which to express mind, emotion, spirit, and the experience is totally different. This happens when a man and a woman physically feel attracted. They are comfortably sharing laughter and crying together. They are stimulated by each other. They are connected at the level of their hearts. Their bodies are naturally drawn to each other. The physical closeness escalates the closeness of their mind, heart and soul till it reaches a peak.
Even then they still haven't had enough of each other. The sweetness in the heart is inexpressible. The most boring person can often achieve his/her best sexual performance. It is not the skill, but the heart, which allows he or she to give and take the enjoyment.
There is an old Chinese saying from thousand years ago: one night lovemaking brings 1000 days' love.
Lovemaking is not only the enjoyment, but also a natural therapy to forgive and forget. Healthy couples will always have disagreements, arguments. However after a passionate love making, bad feeling doesn't exist any more. It is a way of saying to each other: ' I still love you'.
When families, careers, or businesses have crises, passionate lovemaking becomes a silent support and understanding which replaces the loneliness, and unloads the stress.
When couples stop having this healthy, powerful element in the relationship, what will happen?
* They intend to have more arguments.
So how can we let lovemaking work for, but not against our relationship?
a. Making commitment for the right reason.
Some people make their commitment to their partners purely based on external issues, like money, power, status, or the door ticket to a different type of life rather than love and care. External issues always change a million times over during our lifetime, either for better or worse. If the commitment is based on external issues, once these issues have changed, the attraction will wane. Some people instantly lose their physical passion for their partners, a thus no longer have an interest in making love.
Apart from physical chemistry, the commitment shall also be based on a mutual respect and friendship. Physical chemistry, or one-side interest will not last forever. If we do not feel comfortable to share our joy, suffering with our partners, it may mean the friendship is not strong enough. Or if the partner always shows reluctance to get close, it can be because the interest is only one side.
b. Do not rely on good appearance to attract people
Some people thought good looking could attract partners forever. Usually good-looking people bring instant attraction to others. However if there is no substance beyond a good-looking face, the partners will get bored. Therefore he/she may lose sexual interest.
c. Do not use sex as the only tool
Some people believe their sexual power can attract anyone. Long-term excitement relies on correspondence in mind, heart, and spirit. So-called sexual power is a temporary excitement. Once that excitement fades, people start withdrawing.
d. Do not use sex as a weapon to punish the partner.
As I said earlier, some women use sex as a negotiation tool with their partners, or as a form of punishment. Women shall avoid using this technique. Because once you start, it will become the habit-albeit subconsciously. It will make their partners vulnerable, insecure and resentful. As a result, one day, they may lose the total physical attraction. Or if presented with external temptation, they may stray.
e. Communicating with each other to enjoy the best love-making
Communication is always very important for couples, especially relating to or during the act of sex. From time to time, one half of couples may not be in the right mood, or have coinciding interest in having sex. It is wiser not to push for sex if the partner is in bad mood, suffering from stress, poor health. The best response is to listen to her/his stories, offering non-sexual touch, like massaging the back, shoulder, neck, gentle kiss on the cheek, stroking their arms, etc. By doing this, our partners will know we care about them. Our interests are not merely physical. They will appreciate the support. Such action can also be a big turn-on. Once the stress or problem is alleviated, they will naturally want get close again.
It is also important that partners communicate about the way they enjoy lovemaking. If one half of a couple is not enjoying, soon he/she will lose passion. If one gets hurt during the act, he/she may hate to make love. Lots of couples' sex lives wane because one party didn't enjoy it, while the other didn't know. Communicating with your partner is better than suffering by self.
Making Love is not a reward from a woman to a man in a healthy relationship. It is a powerful way to refresh our emotional investment in another person. It is the glue, which binds two people, two hearts and two souls together.
By enjoying a total togetherness, the relationship will be growing day by day.
"Sex", A Reward to A Man From A Woman?
* Their tolerant level for each other's mistakes and faults starts to drop.
* They take each other for granted.
* They no longer feel romantically for each other. The relationship becomes a
Convenience.
* Sometimes one or both partners start going out, searching for replacement.
* The home starts to become cold and boring.
* Couples decide to separate.