Talk to The One You Love (Part Two)

People are usually loving, understanding and forgiving when a relationship starts, especially when their interests are intense. They each try very hard to keep their new partner, taking every opportunity to be tolerant, sensitive, caring and so on. At first it doesn't seem like work at all, let alone hard work, but it inevitably becomes more difficult to please your partner as their appreciation fades. Then, when commitment is established, it usually stops altogether. After few years of marriage, when couples feel confident that they have each others' commitment, the situation may reverse, but once the appreciation stops, both partners become impatient, dissatisfied and irritable.

Nothing is granted

You may notice that, when claiming good things such as good health or a good business deal, people will put the their fingers on wood and say, “Touch wood,” because superstition has it that if you speak about your good fortune, it will disappear unless you touch wood.

Their is no guarantee of a good life and good luck, whether it happens or not is beyond our control. The same principle applies to relationships and marriage. A good marriage with both good partners does not guarantee they will stay together forever, especiall if they take each other for granted.

Finding the right partner is very lucky. Good luck should be appreciated. It should be a desire from heart to keep that person no matter how long we have been together. This desire need to be reminded deliberately and constantly by focusing on partners achievements and strength.

Ten years ago my friend Susan married a company director. Because of the type of business and his position, they were invited to many functions. She was excited to dress up, to wear her nice jewellery and be admired by other people. Susan often told her friends how lucky she was to have such a successful husband. Then, a few years after they were married, when the husband lost his job, instead of working for other people he established own business. The money he brought home was the same as before, but he couldn't afford to organize large functions. Susan was disappointed and stopped saying how lucky she was to have him. She lost interest in him and her respect for him weakened. with the result that she became reluctant to please him. Instead, she became picky, nagging and demanding.

Changes in life are unavoidable and if we cannot control them we should learn to accept them and make the most of the new opportunities the changes present. When things don't go well, like Susan's husband, we should accept, we should also appreciate what our partner has achieved and support them in new endeavours. Most importantly, we should actively remember the reasons for us loving put partner and all the good things they have done for us. Looking positive and feeling positive creates a warm and loving feeling with the result that both partners will find the desire to keep the relationship natural and genuine.

It is not enough to feel appreciation in our hearts, we need to speak out and tell our partner, tell our children and tell our friends. The more we talk about it, the more appreciative we become and the more we appreciate our partner, the more love we want to give them and the more love we give, the more love we receive from our partner.

An example of this positive attitude is one of the couples I matched ten years ago. They have never stopped praising each other, not only between themselves, but in front of friends. Although they have been married for ten years and now have two beautiful children, the chemistry between them is still as strong as it was on their first date. Both of them believe they are the luckiest people in the world.

Sometimes when we are dissatisfied or upset about our partners, we need to ask the questions: Am I taking them for granted? Do I want to lose them and then regret it? What actually is it that they have done wrong? Is the difficulty it worth an argument?

2. Accept the package

When stopping to think about our relationship, we sometimes discover something we now don't like about our partner, for example, perhaps we used to like our partner's funny, happy nature, but now we are closer, we are annoyed by their being funny all the time and not taking their job seriously. Perhaps we used to like the partner's positive, optimistic attitude, but now we are sick of them always being bright and happy, when we know things are not always that good. The problem begins when, once we start feeling annoyed, we can't help but criticise and try to change our partner.

Every person has combination of different personalities, attitudes, talents and interests. I call this the package. Behind any good attribute, there is always some weakness. For instance some people are positive and confident, but insensitive and bossy; another will be patient and relaxed, but lazy and unambitious. Yet another may be capable on the computer, but hopeless in cooking, and on it goes. You will be able to think of many examples. Everyone is a package and we either accept it all or not at all. Importantly, whenever we think about our partner as a package, we become more relaxed and find it easier to accept their ways and to deal with them.

3. Be tolerant and understanding

It is healthy to talk with our partners about our emotions, problems, expectations and so on. It is also healthy to be tolerant and patient with mistakes our partners make and faults they may have. No one is perfect, including you, so don't point the finger at your partner whenever you are unhappy. They are only human and will feel uncomfortable when you criticize them. No one wants to feel that they are being supervised the whole time and if you are reasonably tolerant they can relax and be themselves in the relationship. My experience has taught me that people usually know when they have made a mistake or upset someone. They don't need their partner to play mother or father to remind them. Being intolerant destabilises a relationship and leads to fights and the need for self-defence, which puts you on the road to a break-up.

My friend Jane is a sweet lady but extremely spoiled, and with a very low tolerance of her boyfriend Craig's characteristics, constantly demanding that he be perfect. Once, due to her own illness, she cancelled her date with him. Next day Craig rang her but forgot to mention her health. Jane was upset and accused Craig of not being caring, insisting that they should communicate about it and commanding him to have a serious talk. Craig liked Jane, but couldn't accept her demanding way. In the end, he walked away from the relationship, looking for someone more easy going, more tolerant.

Because nobody is perfect, it is not normal for our partners to always do things perfectly. They may simply forget dates we regard as significant, or they might sometimes ignore our small needs because they don't consider them to be important. Putting their actions in perspective, as long as they are not big issues, it is probably not worth mentioning. Allowing our partners this room to move and not to feel that they have to strive for perfection at all times will dramatically help us to cope with their differences and perceived inadequacies. There is a famous Chinese saying, “Open one eye and close the other”. A wise person will know when they should use the open eye and when to use to closed one. A wise Western saying is, “A sign of maturity is knowing when not to speak.”

4. “Win Win”, or “Lose Lose”?

A Marriage Certificate is a contract between two people to make a life and family together. Once the Certificate is signed, both parties either win together or lose together.

I know many winning couples, but one of the most successful are Sarah and Brian. They have been married for twelve years and ever since the first day of their marriage, they have always supported each other. Sarah was running a retail business and Brian was the driving force behind her. He helped her to negotiate deals and train staff. As a result, Sarah always felt cheerful and happy to manage the business because she knew someone was supporting her.

When Brian faced challenges in his own career, Sarah took him out for dinner and encouraged him to stand up for his rights. She always provided a solid environment for Brian whenever he needed a rest. Together they have two beautiful children and happy life, and they own a multi-million dollar house which they call home.

Sarah and Brian have won together but during the same time I have seen other couples who have lost together.

Juliet was a perfectionist and was strongly attracted to John's dynamic personality. However, not long after they were married she found that John's taste in choosing his own clothes was not to her liking. She also found that he had too many friends and then she came to hate his positive attitude. To sum up, Juliet wanted to change him; from simple, gentle words, too soon to the big lecture, and then some extreme actions; Juliet was trying her best to give John a make-over to suit her idea of perfection.

At first John didn't take much notice, but with Julie's non-stop efforts, he soon felt the pressure. He became nervous as to what he should say or do at home and this nervousness affected him at work as well with the result that he lost confidence, made some silly mistakes and lost his job. Juliet didn't realize that John was suffering from her changing expectations and she persisted until one day when she returned home, John's room was empty. The simple note on her bed read, “Hi darling, I don't want to live in a cage. I need my freedom. You are now free as well, to pick up someone who is more teachable.” There was no phone number or contact address. No matter how sad she was, nor how much she wanted to tell him so, she would be able to speak to John and she wouldn't see, or hear from him ever again.