We need not only a good attitude, but we also need good skills to talk to the one we love. The right skill makes our thoughts and ideas more acceptable, while poor skills upset our partners, making them turn against us. Some people have natural talent, while others need to work to develop and improve their communication skills. Some suggestions follow below. 1. Giving compliments, praise and encouragement

Many people feel terrified when they hear the words, 'Honey, we need to talk'. The evocative word 'talk' often sounds a warning that the partner is not happy. There is a fear that this 'talk' may lead to an argument. However, 'talk' is and essential part of communication.

In the English dictionary it says communication is the imparting, conveying, or exchange of ideas, knowledge, information, etc; to convey feeling and thoughts by speaking, writing or actions . . . The conveying of feelings and thoughts between couples does not have to be negative. Good thoughts, compliments, praise, positive feelings and encouragement can also be conveyed between couples. This is called 'good communication'.

During our lives we often praise and encourage children when we want them to do better at something. With the use of good communication, tasks are finished quicker and better. Alternatively if we criticise a child, accusing him of not doing the things he should do, the response is often sullen silence and/or stamping away. If the child complies with our wishes he may do so under pressure, but he certainly won't be happy. The different responses of children to encouragement and criticism reflect human nature. Everyone likes to be praised.

Giving appreciation, ensuring positive feelings, and being encouraging are important communication skills which should be used frequently. Furthermore, compliments should be genuine and honest, which requires us to listen and watch more closely our partner's achievements. These may be doing good work around the home, helping with the children, dressing nicely, being thoughtful and so on. It is safe to say that we should never ignore any good things. Never be too shy to speak out when we appreciate our partner's actions. If we do it every day, giving compliments becomes our habit, and we do it naturally. Some partners may not be used to receiving compliments, but in hearts, they feel warm and happy and will be inspired to do more. They will also be encouraged to return the compliments, thus creating a relationship that is filled with harmony and happiness.

Some people are shy to praise others, especially their own partners, however it worthwhile trying because compliments not only help your relationship, it also work for friendships and relationships with workmates and bosses. Remember, human nature is the same throughout the world and learning to give compliments is just a matter of time and practice.

2. Developing a good sense of humour

A good sense of humour is one of the keys to successful communication. Heavy, serious talks often frighten people. When we manage to make others laugh, we are half way there.

I remember Kevin, he was kind and genuine, but his personality was very intense. He couldn't take a joke, and he never made one. His analytical nature made him worry about everything and he needed to talk when he worried, but his serious talks stressed his partners. A few walked away from him at the first meeting, while some stayed in the relationship for a while, but had to leave in the end because there was never any laughter in the relationships. A good sense of humour creates smiles and smiles make the big issues appear smaller and the small issues disappear. Humour carries the message : Don't take things too serious, just let's relax and enjoy life!

Yukiko told me whenever there were disagreements or arguments with her husband, she always had the last words, 'I still love you', which always made husband smile and give her a big hug and kiss.

We are not all gifted with a good sense of humour, but it is an art form we can all develop in time. First, remember not to make jokes about a partner's weaknesses, or on any sensitive issues. For instance, don't joke about your partner being overweight and never make fun of their ex-partners, family members, children and friends. It will be too easy to hit a sore spot and insult our partners. Also, never make jokes about their emotions, or about 'commitment', once a partner realizes what we are trying to say, they may set up a wall.

Keep your humour friendly and complimentary. For instance, when a man tells his girlfriend she is wonderful, she might reply, 'Don't forget, I also have good taste in men'. That should bring a smile to the boyfriend's face.

A sense of humour should also be tasteful and constructive. When the wife wants the husband to fix the shelf, she can say, 'Can I borrow your capable hands to fix this shelf?' and the husband might reply, 'My darling, what's mine is yours.'

It is not unusual for a husband to promise to wash the dishes, but keep on sitting by the television. Instead of feeling angry, the wife might gently remind him with, 'Darling, when you've finished the dishes I'd love a cup of tea.'

3. Never fight, or argue in front of children, friends or family.

One of the first and most important rules of good communication is, never criticize, fight or argue with your partner in front of children, or friends. No matter who we are, we all have our pride. We may be willing to give way in the bedroom, but not in the public, specially not in front of children.

As the result of being publicly criticized, the partner will either fight back, making things worse, or keep a feeling of resentment bottled up inside. Both outcomes are destructive to a relationship and, furthermore, a partner who you have publicly criticized may lose their self esteem and be to embarrassed to socialize with your friends again. Criticising your partner in front of children may destroy their authority and make them feel powerless when they are trying to control the children.

Private lives are meant to be kept private and couples can make many opportunities for private talks. Even it is a fight, it is not difficult to keep it a private matter. Private talks are more intimate, easier to control and achieve positive solutions If couples can't resolve the issues in their bedroom, they can seek professional help and if the professional help fails, they can use legal methods. There are many solutions none of which need involve others.

4. The right time to say the right thing

Choose the right time to 'talk' is also important. For example, my friend Ying is a national manager who is responsible for a team of ten people. The job is well rewarded, but highly stressful. Most nights after coming home, she just wants to be quiet for a while. However, once she walks in the door, her partner never stops talking. He talks about his day, what he has seen, what he has heard about their friends and on and on. Sometimes Ying has to shut him up to get some quiet time, which makes her partner think Ying is rather selfish, wrapped up in her life and showing no interest in his life. If he could wait until Ying has rested, had her dinner and a shower, he will find her much more receptive to his story.

People are moody; sometimes up and sometimes down. When they in a good mood, they are cheerful, light, tolerant, patient and ready to listen and talk. Nothing seems to be a problem. That is the time we can talk about problems, solutions, finance, the relationship, and so on, with a much better a chance of reaching a satisfactory conclusion. However if people are in a low, or bad mood, their tolerance is also limited and they may switch off their listening so that they seem distant, cold and unfriendly. The best thing is to leave them alone until they feel like talking. Or, in cases where they do want to talk about a problem, just listen sympathetically and try not to give an opinion. Especially don't introduce talk about commitments, relationship problems and so on.

Elisa and John had known each other for two years and lived together as couple. One day, on a visit to the countryside to see his father, John found that his father had been diagnosed with cancer. John and his father were very close and the news affected John so that he arrived home feeling lost and depressed. While Elisa had been looking forward the whole day to going out to dinner together, John suggested she could organize takeaway food for herself. Elisa was disappointed and upset. Instead of being supportive, on the way to get her take away food, she rang John and complained. John didn't talk much on the phone, in fact his answer was very short, 'You don't need to come back anymore. We are not suitable.' It took a long time for Elisa to recover from the hurt. There might have been underlying reasons for the break-up but ringing at the wrong time pushed John to the extreme decision. If she could have put a hold on her disappointment until John was ready to talk about it and his father had some treatment, John might not have ended their relationship.

It is not unusual for couples to have similar experience to that of John and Elisa, with their break-ups also happening at a time when one party was in great stress, dealing with a challenge, or a big change in life.

5. The right time to talk about the right thing, or the right time not to talk at all

Only share negative thoughts, or try to complain when partners are in happy mood. When partners are in low, or in a bad mood, we should either say nothing, or say something positive, like praise, or words of encouragement and support. Communication doesn't have to be all verbal, we can also show support by taking our partner on a short drive in the country, watching a happy movie together, having a game of tennis, playing golf or cooking a nice meal. Our message to our partner should always be, 'I care.'

Apart from choosing the right mood, we also need to choose the right timing. Some women think men are simple, that they can't do two things at the same time. This is wrong of course, but they can be limited when it comes to talking about emotions and relationships. I remember once my friend Susan tried to talk about commitment with her boyfriend after midnight. He was tired and half asleep and couldn't answer her questions sensibly, but he tried not to upset her. His answers didn't make sense and the next day, he couldn't even remember the conversation. So ladies, never talk about something important when your boyfriend is sleepy, nor when he is driving.

6. Communicating with body language

Speaking is not the only way to communicate, many times actions can be more powerful. Using body language to communicate with partners is another good skill. Eyes, face, hands, body can help us to talk. For instance, when we are unhappy, the face is still, and the body shows the tension, so there is no need to say anything, people will know we have problems.

On the other hand, if we are happy, not only smiling, laughing, our hands are waving, and our body becomes light. People know straight away that we are in a good mood.

When we want to be quiet and our partner keeps talking, we can gently put one finger against their mouth and smile. The message is, 'Please be quite for a moment.' If we are tired, stressed, or upset, we can simply lay back in the armchair with our eyes closed. The message is, 'Please don't interrupt me. I need to be left alone.'

If someone annoys us, we can stand up, excuse ourselves politely and walk away. The message is, 'Please don't do this anymore, I can't tolerate it.' If we are feeling guilty because of an argument, we can put our arms around our partner, giving them the message, 'Sorry, please forgive me.' If, on the other hand, we are feeling grateful, we can give our partner a kiss, which carries the message, 'Thank you. You are great!' When your partner is stressed, depressed or in a in low mood, give them a little neck massage and soothing talk. The message is, 'Don't worry, I'm with you and everything will be fine.' Similarly, if the partner is driving and frustrated about not finding a place to park, give them a gentle neck massage, to convey the message, 'Take it easy, we will get there.'

Body language can be used to deliver a lot of positive messages and avoid fighting. Body language can also be used to show our affections and body language is a great way to give affirmations of love.

It takes time to build up good communication skills, but as long as we believe that good communication skills help our relationship, we will try. Through trying, we will improve and through improving we will become experts. There is nothing we can't achieve if we believe.