Jennnifer is an attractive Chinese girl. She has a pleasant nature, open mind with great sense of humor. When I saw her the first time, I had no doubt that she could be popular in the club. She has always been attracted to the looks of western people since she was only a young. Blue eyes and blond hair amazed her. After coming to Australia, she had the chance to work with local people, both male and females. She likes the way they talk. She loves their sense of humor.Quite often they make her laugh to death.
She used to say to herself, it would be so nice to have blue eyes, blond hair prince for life. So her first piority of an ideal boyfriend was Australian or European gentlemen. She did meet quite a few nice, professional Australian/European men during her first couple of months of membership with us. However, one day I received a phone call from her and she told me that maybe Asian guys suited her better. I was quite surprised to see her changing her preference from western men to Asian men in such a short period of time. After a 30 minutes talk on the phone, I realized that she was confused about the financial arrangement in western culture when a man takes a girl out.
She could get along very well with all the men we introduced to her on the phone. They usually met for coffee. All the conversations were interesting, until the bill came. She always insisted that she should pay her own share, even just a cup of coffee. I could imagine what the response would be from the men when they heard that a girl would like to share the bill for a cup of coffee. However I think they did respect her. They let her have her way so she felt comfortable. A couple of men took her to dinner, and she paid her half as usual. As the situation continued, she started to feel very uncomfortable. She didn't mind paying the bill, particularly when she thought splitting the bill was part of western culture. She wanted to show her respect to the men's culture. On the other hand, she disliked the experience of calculating the amount that each had to pay when finalizing the account at the end of the meeting. It was too cold . When a man and a woman go out attempting to establish a romantic relationship, splitting the bill, she thought, set up an emotional barrier straight away. She could not imagine herself being able to kiss the man, with whom a minute ago she had just shared the bill for a romantic dinner. Compared with Asian culture, guys always jump for the bill without asking.She felt that Asian people are warmer. She prefers the man to be warm and passionate.
Just by coincidence, after talking to Jennifer, I received another phone call from Sharon, asking me whether she should share the bill with men when she went out with them .
Two weeks later, I received another phone call from Grace, telling me how she shared the bill when she went out for dinner with Grant.
It was quite obvious from the feedback from the girls that there was confusion about the bill payment. This may be caused by the misunderstanding of the culture. Quite often in restaurants, Asian girls saw a group of Australian people having dinner together. At the end, each of them reached to their own pocket to pay their own share. Sometimes they even laughed at them when they saw people were calculating the amount of wine each person consumed, so that they could determine how much each should pay. By seeing people splitting the bill, some Asian girls thought it must be their culture, which would apply to anybody in this situation. They thought when going out with western men, they were expected to share the bill. It is always wiser to do it voluntarily, than being asked. That is why sometimes, before receiving the bill , their hands already reach to their purse. They would not like the men to think they were using them. But on the other hand Asian culture is different. With Asian culture, even when a group goes out together, only one person from the group will pay the bill. Then next time they go out another person from the group will pay for the total bill. If a man takes a woman out, he will lose face if he lets the woman pay the bill. Asian men seem to be educated, that they should look after their girls. Some modern women at times would like to share the bill with their male friends, or even boy friends . It usually embarrasses the men. Even the girls would like to show respect for western culture, but deep inside they have been influenced by their own culture even more. Splitting the bill with men makes them uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean they rely on men. They would like to make a contribution to the relationship, and they would prefer to use another way to show their appreciation. This would include things like cooking a nice meal, taking the men to some special places , or giving them a little gift. To share the bill each time they go out with their boyfriends makes them feel that they don't have enough respect from the men. Gradually they start feeling discouraged from having a long-term relationship with western men.
In order to clear the confusion for Asian girls, I discussed this issue with quite a lot of male members. Most of them were Australian and European. What I have found out is that with western culture, only ordinary friends share the bill when they go out together. "Go Dutch" doesn't necessarily apply to the relationship between a man and a woman. This dose not even always apply to male and female friends. One of my friends, Gerry, said, "I think that depends on how the relationship is going. If people have become 'just friends' then I think it is fair to take turn and turn about. Usually I pay for the expensive meals and my (female) friends pay for the cheaper night out."…."I don't like sharing the bill at the time. One person should pay."… "I don't mind paying for an expensive dinner and then having a meal cooked for me by the girl sometime later. Or I might cook her a meal at her place. (However) each partner should feel comfortable that they are not the one who is doing all the giving or the one who is doing all the receiving." What Gerry said may not be able to represent everyone in the western society, however he makes sense for the Asian girls to understand what is the western culture in the respect to payment. In western culture, when a man takes a girl friend out to dinner, movie, he would be happy to pay for the expenses. Just like Asian men, western men also would like to look after their girlfriends, or lovers. Sometimes to do something for the girl friends is easier for the men than to tell her about his feelings with words. At the initial stage of the relationship, there is no question in a man's mind that he should pay for the cost of the meal. Therefore when Jennifer, Grace, or the other Asian girls insisted that they should pay for their own share, the men were indeed surprised. They didn't feel comfortable to split a coffee bill with the girls. They thought it might be the Asian culture , or the girls wanted to be independent.
In the meantime , women's involvement in work and business,while making substantial income has changed the traditional social perception about women. Men no longer need to be the sole bread winner. With western culture, there is a strong sense of fairness, and independence. People believe the principle of giving and taking. Just like what Gerry said that each partner should feel comfortable that they are not the one who is doing all the giving or the one who is doing all the receiving. Modern western men would appreciate very much , or even expect the girls to make some financial contribution to the relationship. Perhaps not in the form of sharing bill, maybe taking a turn in paying some reasonable bills when they go out together. If they have to pay for everything, especially when they know the woman even makes more money than them, they are being taken for granted, or being used. Another reality is that dating could be quite costly for a person who has a normal job, and a moderate income. They may not want the girls to know this fact. Therefore if a woman can contribute a little , the stress for the man would not be too great.
Laura and Kevin have set up a very good example of a balanced , harmonious relationship between an Asian lady and a western man. They are partners as well as soul mates. Kevin is a romantic Australian guy. He would always like to surprise Laura, by taking her to a nice restaurant, buying her beautiful flowers, writing her nice cards, etc. Laura is a typical Asian lady, being caring, and devoted. She always cooks a delicious dinner for Kevin. In addition she bought nice presents to surprise Kevin. In turn, she also took Kevin to some nice restaurants as well. When Kevin had an operation in the hospital, Laura was with him all the time, telling him stories, trying to cheer him up. After they got married, and had two children, Laura still kept her small business. She employs some people to help during the week, so that she can stay home to look after the children. On the weekends, Kevin can look after the kids, so Laura can go to work. After marriage, Kevin has been promoted several times and become one of the highest paid people in the industry. They saved money together, planned their life together and built wealth together. Their marriage became stronger and stronger and they were happier and happier.
In a relationship, girls usually feel more insecure. They need their boy friends attention and respect. Taking them for a romantic dinner, a nice movie, giving them a beautiful bunch of flowers, or writing a nice card to them won't cost too much, but will make them feel so good. Usually Asian ladies will appreciate so much what the man did for them. However a relationship is a partnership. Only when we are ready to team up, only when we understand the principle of giving and taking, we can then guarantee a healthy, enjoyable partnership, become soulmates and form a romantic relationship.
Talk to Eva
